This is the second time I’ve been prompted to “check my privilege” in an official way. Living in Seattle, I feel my privilege almost every day because it’s hard not to notice the gaping disparity in this cruel city. And yet I hadn’t read my privilege list in months. The list started in March 2017, inspired by an article I read about birth rights and outcomes, and how radically they differ based on your race.

That first round of inspecting and acknowledging the privileges in my life yielded about 30 things I could clearly see. Now I’m reading Ijeoma Oluo’s book “So you want to talk about race.” In it, she encourages a regular checking of one’s privilege. It’s important to maintain a realistic sense of privileges, to not let them fade into shadow, to identify and acknowledge new ones as they come into view.

“When somebody asks you to “check your privilege” they are asking you to pause and consider how the advantages you’ve had in life are contributing to your opinions and actions, and how the lack of disadvantages in certain areas is keeping you from fully understanding the struggles others are facing and may in fact be contributing to those struggles. It is a big ask, to check your privilege. It is hard and often painful, but it’s not nearly as painful as living with the pain caused by the unexamined privilege of others. You may right now be saying “but it’s not my privilege that is hurting someone, it’s their lack of privilege. Don’t blame me, blame the people telling them that what they have isn’t as good as what I have.” And in a way, that is true, but know this, a privilege has to come with somebody else’s disadvantage—otherwise, it’s not a privilege.”

And so, in that spirit, I updated my privilege list.

1. White
2. Cisgender (passing)
3. Neurotypical (passing)
4. Native English speaker
5. Documented citizen of the country I live in
6. Raised Protestant
7. No physical disabilities
8. No mental illness
9. Grew up in relatively stable home environment
10. Had a room of my own as a child
11. Parents supported and were interested in my success/happiness (as much as they knew how to be)
12. Consistent access to books and music since childhood
13. Reliable access to medical and dental care/insurance since childhood
14. Reliable access to food since childhood
15. Never had to use public assistance
16. Have lived in predominantly white, lower/middle-class neighborhoods/cities
17. My fitness/eligibility to be a parent has never been questioned
18. Got to choose where/how I birthed my son
19. Had multiple people supporting and advocating for me during birth
20. Was not forced to have a cesarean section
21. Have access to healing modalities and communities that support my ongoing trauma recovery
22. Stable housing
23. Reliable transportation
24. Tall
25. Height-weight proportionate
26. Conventionally attractive
27. College educated
28. Teachers supported and encouraged me
29. Never suspended or expelled because of my race
30. Employed my whole adult life
31. Employed in tech in Seattle
32. Never been denied a job/promotion because of my race
33. Excellent credit score
34. Reliable access to clean, affordable water
35. Most people in my communities are a part of my racial group
36. Most people in the books/movies look like me
37. Never been threatened or harassed by police
38. No family member has been imprisoned
39. No family member has been lynched
40. No family member has been killed by police
41. I don’t have to teach my son to be afraid of the police
42. Haven’t been forced to leave ancestral land
43. Ancestors acquired plentiful farmland cheaply (because it was stolen), affording them wealth to pass on
44. Have been able to choose where I want to live
45. Majority of my family members mortgage/own their homes
46. Qualified for down-payment assistance when I mortgaged my home
47. When I enter an upscale store, no one questions my “right” to be there
48. When I speak at work, no one questions my intelligence or threatens to have me fired because of my race
49. No one has labeled my physically large, emotionally exuberant, opinionated young son as “aggressive” due to his behavior at school
50. I can choose to ignore the realities of race-based violence, oppression, imprisonment, and genocide because it doesn’t directly impact “people like me”

I keep re-reading that last one. Cuz it’s really the crux of the issue, isn’t it? And yet it’s no longer my reality because that cat is already out of the bag. Once I started looking, everything changed. Reality changed. The lies I was told, the propaganda I was fed began to fall away.

It hurts, waking up to a reality where my “nice life” is built on centuries of dead bodies, crushed potential, conceit, and cruelty wrought by the hands of “people like me.” And I can guaranfuckingtee you my pain is small potatoes compared to how much it hurts to live as a racial minority in a white supremacist death cult bent on consuming everything and everyone it sees. So yeah, I’m going to keep checking my privilege because it feels like an important step on the only path that really matters right now.